Last night before I left, Seng said ‘I love you’ to me before I ended the call. I didn’t say it back tho. Although I thought of saying it back at the time, It never went thru my mouth. I’ve been thinking about it for some time today. Because it felt good to feel love from someone you value a lot. A friendly ‘I love you’ is so powerful sometimes. I don’t care if Seng was drunk or what not, I still felt it and it felt really good. I haven’t heard that phrase in so long and it made me feel so content with myself. It was wholesome. What would I do without that goon.
Today I was talking to William about my feels and I told him me and Josh has been calling each other almost every night. Then he asked about last Tuesday night, the night I got drunk. I wonder how he specifically remembered that. Maybe he had work that day that’s why he remembered. He stayed up and talked to me. And after I told him I call him, he said “When you were drunk. I thought you were alone. So I stayed up.” Those sentences hurt me so much. I immediately typed back and told him to stop hurting me like this. I legit felt a tear in my eye when I read what he typed. It was so heartbreaking for me. Because I hurt him. I’d never want to hurt him. His soul is too pure. He told me he was hurt initially and I wonder what that meant. Maybe I’m overthinking it but our connection is deep. Way too deep. That’s why it ended up hurting us both. He said he was kidding but god I know it when someone says they’re kidding and they’re not.
Why does it hurt us? Is it cuz we like us? God our connection is too much I think I gotta block it somehow.
Also my dumbass decided to add Josh to our league game and I have never seen William so quiet in a game before. It’s like the whole atmosphere changed and William was like that jealous boyfriend that’s asking in his head ‘why is he here.’ The whole game was just awkward. We did Didn’t win. Obviously. But the tension was so grand in the air that it made everyone uncomfortable and everyone ended leaving. I guess it’s kinda my fault. I shouldn’t have done that.
And I wanna call myself that I’m being a dumbich again but when I was eavesdropping on them when my power went out, apparently they both hate it when I do that. So I guess I will stop. But we all know, I’m still her. I know because I know. And I will continue to be a dumbich.
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