“ 朝闻道,夕死可矣！ ”
【前IBM/华为工程师四十不惑赴美求学：之二】
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Mahatma Gandhi
Acknowledgement & Appreciation
Although nobody has helped me in writing this story, but a lot of people have helped me in my transition in the past. Before the beginning of this writing, I am honored to list some names of the people who have helped me in past two years:
Weilie Yi , Huifang Shao, Jiangbing Zhou (my classmates), Brian Nelson and Mike Rhodes (IBM US colleagues), Staffan Söderqvist (Telelogic Colleagues in Sweden), Baruch Pinto (Huawei partner in Israel), Hosun Loh (friend in Singapore), Dr. Edwards from University of Phoenix, Dr. Levy from Wayne University, Dr. Duan from KU, Qunli Ren (Telelogic supervisor and friend), Alan Ip (IBM supervisor and friend) and Dr. Huang (business client and friend), Dr.Spanierman and Dr. Santos from ASU, and my program advisor Dr. Kinnier, my friend Xinming Wang, ASU student Jin Shu, and my house owner Alexis.
This writing is particularly presented to my wife (Summie), my boy (Kristian), and the girl (Sofia) coming in 3 weeks, without them, my life would be different. I never regret the decision to marry Summie, her kindness, peaceful and logical minds, and her love, are helping me transforming. Kristian, my stubborn boy, helped me identified how bad my temper was. My parents in China, you raised me up with your great efforts and wisdom, but I did not have time to be with you, and I am not sure how much time I may have to be with you in your remaining time.
Finally, thanks Lord God. I am not a baptized believer, but I can feel you are here. You helped me made the decision in every moment that I was almost lost.
Preclude
Life is an incident, and life is a coincident – Jianhong Zhou
June 15, 2013, I flew back to Shanghai from Seattle. In the plane, I told myself, I would come back US and stay here for some years. The best place for me to stay is in university.
Coincidentally, exactly two years later, the same day, I landed Los Angeles, together with my boy and my wife, to start a new adventure here. I came back to US as one of the tens of thousand students in Arizona State University by giving up my job in IBM. This is really a risky decision, and this was not a funny business, but a serious challenge, to myself and to my family.
This first trip to US was planned when I could not find meaning in my career and my boss agreed to give me a vocation by attending a meeting in Orlando on his behalf. Before visiting US, I have been working and traveling to around 30 countries, and a trip to US could be one of my dreams, if I still had dreams. You may be curious of the reason, and I can tell you the reason is very funny. We were educated from childhood that capitalism is evil while socialism is good, and US is the evilest of the evils. I wanted to see by my own eyes why so many rich Chinese, government officials, and many of my classmates had went to this evil countries and never come back to China. Of course, I did not believe US was an evil country even before my first step in San Francisco. However, I felt from my heart, this was the real reason, a curiosity unsatisfied from childhood, and I might find something meaningful by this trip.
In 2013, I did not seriously believe in two years I could come back US as a student. For ordinary Chinese, this is a crazy idea. Many people in my age are already professor in universities, and people in this age usually are seeking stability in life and career, enjoying the comforts of wealth and leisure, rather than putting blade around neck.
However, it happened, and until today, I am here for two months.
This is a long journey, and it is good time to write it down: Why I am here? How I came here? What are waiting for me?
In the last two months, we have met many challenges: to purchase a car to be able to move in the country on wheel, to find a house to lodge my family, to find a elementary school for my boy, to purchase insurance for my wife and boy, to find a hospital to deliver the second baby, and to gain trust from the house owners and bank representative, and to help my boy to adjust to local school…
In the last two years, we have no less difficult challenges: to study in UoP, to plan for the future, to prepare the application and tests, and to make difficult decision about career and life change.
In the past ten years...
We had individual internal struggling, we had family disagreements and quarrels, and we had fun and enjoyment too. Life was not easy, life is not easy, and life may not be easy in the future. However, this is real life of every real human being.
Before the semester begins, it is time to finish this writing, to conclude the past two years, and to prepare my “deep heart” ready to the new challenges. Until this moment, I am not sure I can survive here. However, we need reference from the past to gain momentum and confidence for the future.
I am not a strong man, and in many circumstances I am very weak. I write this story not to “preach” something, but to share to you the real life and real feeling of one person, a person of dream and vulnerability, a person of so much hesitation and internal struggling, and a person who are familiar to yourself. As a reference, the authenticity should be of the first priority. I had a similar one in Chinese, and this is the first time I write so long a story in English. I hope I can have more in the future.
There is a famous saying, “If life did not destroy you, it will become your rare asset?” I like this, and more importantly, I believe this.
Here below is the recap of my past two years, and you can read through or just click the section that you are interested in.
(1) The meaning of life – Lost, seeking, and change
(2) Planning made in secluded meditation center
(3) Embarrassing GRE/TOEFL tests, a test for courage
(4) Application, two months sleepless efforts
(5) Admitted and struggling decision-making
(6) Yesterday never comes back, but live for something today
(7) Why recall & anticipate?
The meaning of life – Lost, seeking, and change
Were there none who were discontented with what they have, the world would never reach anything better. Florence Nightingale
What is the meaning of life? This is one of my research interests in ASU and this has bothered many individuals for a long time.
Many people have thought of the meaning in life, and some never comes back after they realize it is possible that their lives may be of no meaning. I spent several years in seeking the meaning of my life, and finally this seeking changed my life.
The first time when I raised this question, what’s the meaning of my life, could be dated back to when I was around 7 years old. I realized in that moment that human being finally would die and be separated from the wonderful world. Yes, that world was wonderful, full of joys and happiness, despite the fact that we were suffered by food scarcity and frequent diseases. After playing with neighboring boys and girls for a wonderful day, I went to bed lonely after dinner. Life was so beautiful when I reflected the funny games we engaged. “How could it not last forever? Why I am here if I am going to die?” … Usually the end was I fell asleep with tears, still questioning in dreams.
Maybe the same as other kids, I kept this questioning as a secret, never shared to another person. Then, we became busy, busy for school activities and assignments, and busy for making money and supporting a family. When you are busy, time is fleeting. It feels like just one moment from 7 to 37 years old, and the question came back to me again after 30 years.
When I was still a child in junior high school, I could not understand the message from the school principle, “our lives are very short, and you are still very young.” I thought I was not so young at that moment. We also felt in that time our teachers were very much old, although most of them were even less than 30 then. I finally understand the meaning of the message from that school principle when my age was older his age. He was around 35 when he preached to me the message and I was almost 40 when I recalled his message from memory. Life moves so fast!
The majority of the 30 years was spent in schools, to perform well in all types of tests. If we performed well, then we had chance to jump to higher educational ladder and be recognized as good boy. I was a very lucky guy, if you can imagine the fact that I was the only person who finally received the education higher than junior high school (Grade 8/9). In the two elementary classes I was enrolled, we had totally around 100 students. They never had chance to climb to higher education ladder than high school. However, the sufferings arising from the education history were no less than the satisfaction experienced. At least two events significantly left imprint on my personal development and personality. One was in 1987, when I failed to be admitted by the best junior high school in my county, and the other was in 1994, when I was declined by Tsinghua University, one of the two top universities in China. It looked like there was no apparent trauma in my behavior, but the nightmares did frequent me several times a years and reminded me of the sufferings and dreams in my younger times.
After graduation, we had another focus: making money. We need money to live independent of our parents, we need money for girlfriends and marriage, we need money for our house and cars, we need money for luxury items, and, we need money to show to others that we are someone. Finally, all these dreams or needs were satisfied, and it looked like we were someone. Wherever we go, we had some business partners or friends to host us, and in the eyes of our family and friends, sometimes we received respect or adoration.
However, on the funeral of my grandfather in 2008, I got lost again. It was in November, early morning around 6:00 clock, and I did not dressed so much as what should be needed. When the coffin was buried, and everything of him was cremated, I was perplexed again. I asked myself, what had been busy for these years? What would my next generations say about my life when I was to be buried?
I started seeking answer to my questions, and such efforts were increased and the feeling of life fleeting was intensified, when in 2009 my boy came into my life and he reminded me of my past time in childhood.
I read more books, discussed on every point I felt relevant to my endeavor of seeking answer, and wrote down my thinking to propose or defend a proposition. Finally, I found I could not discontinue my thinking, and anxiety and insomnia came into my life.
In those thinking times, when I drove before a cross, I did not noticed the red light was on, and I had to take a rash brake before my car run into conflict with another one; when I was waiting for the green light was turned on, sometimes I could not notice the shift of the light, until the driver behind me pressed the horn to remind me of my unconsciousness.
But the unconsciousness was nothing compared to the insomnia I experienced in that time. For business reason, I travelled a lot in those years, and traveling time maybe the worst I experienced in that suffering period.
In a summer day in 2012, I travelled to Guangzhou. The flight was delayed and I arrived at hotel around 2:00 AM. I felt exhausted but after I took shower and lay myself into bed, I could not fall asleep after an hour passing. Felt pressured by the anxiety that the sleepless night could spoil meetings the next day, I got up and opened the beverage cabinet to find some wine to drink. Finally, after I finished one bottle of red wine, I went into the subconscious state, if not sleeping state. However, I woke up around 4:00 AM and I stayed in bed to count how much sheep I might have if I were a shepherd, until 7 AM. You can image my behavior in the second day? I was not sleepy, but I could not open the eyes to focus on the slides and presenters.
I got to end the suffering of anxiety and insomnia. I told myself. The first decision I made to change my situation was to go back the basketball field. I discontinued my basketball playing since 2009 when my knee was diagnosed as seriously injured and no longer fit for basketball, but I learned from Tal Ben’s (He was a Harvard scholar) positive psychology that intensive exercises were very good to reduce the negative emotion arising from daily pressure. This did work for me, and just within one month, the anxiety and insomnia were driven away from me, at least temporarily.
In the presentation of Tal Ben’s positive psychology, he mentioned his anecdote of depression before he made decision to pursue degree in psychology. He wanted to share his experience to those who might need his help, and he made it happen. I liked his presentation, and I was benefited by his solution of how to become more positive. After I shared my experience with friends and discussed my thinking in meaning in life and how to become more positive, I felt much rewarded from the appreciation of friends. I got a feeling that I might in some years to undertake a similar job as Tal Ben’s.
I started serious thinking about a career and life transition since 2013, and explored several possibilities in the future. However, there was no easy way to be identified. I did not know what I wanted, but I knew what I no longer needed.
In April 2013, I raised the request to leave IBM and explore my future way. Alan, My supervisor, and also my close friend, advised me not to make rash decision without proper plan for the future, and he offered me the trip to US to clam down myself. The trip to US helped me conceive the idea to come back to US university and attain another degree.
Followed the suggestion of my friend, I remained in IBM and enrolled in University of Phoenix(UoP) as graduate student in psychology. The performance in UoP courses was good, but I could not balance the IBM work, UoP leaning and family responsibility, particularly when UoP assignments were increasing. In October, after I met 11 customers in Xi’an within one week, I told myself that would be my last customer calls in IBM.
I left IBM in the last working day of 2013. This leave surprised my friends, and also surprised myself. I had no clear plan in mind what to do after I had no job.
Planning made in secluded meditation center
I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfill our destiny, but our fate is sealed. -- Paulo Coelho
Many people told me, life is not easy. I did not agree with it two years ago, and I realized the meaning completely here in US for the past two month. Life is not easy, but I would say the decision making for our lives may be even harder.
The early days after I left IBM was very happy. I have no pressure to get up early or stay until too late just for customer calls or internal meetings, and I had more time to be with my boy and played with him. We travelled to several places together and enjoyed the longest time in my hometown to be with my parents. Life was so great without pressure for job or making money, and it was in my first time that I wanted nothing but a very peaceful time. When I went back to my hometown in early 2014, I had time to feel the good of the nature and the people I once had been familiar with. There was a voice coming from my heart that I should stay there until the end of my life, if I had no other needs or family responsibilities.
I continue my learning in UoP and started exploring business initiatives. Life became busy again when the UoP courses were restarted and business activities were planed. The performance in UoP learning was good and the classmates and instructors liked my comments in coursework and diligence in achieving team goals. However, with more time spending on business exploration, the same trouble of work balance came back to me again. I could not have enough time to do well in business initiatives and UoP online courses. The UoP part-time leaning was not part-time for me. It was almost full-time. If this is full-time, why not go back to university and learn in campus? I asked myself.
However, it was not easy to bring up one answer to that question. To spend some years dedicated for learning in campus, it would cost me not just money I had, but also opportunities of time. In the meantime, the challenges after acquiring a degree in several years could be bigger, rather than smaller, if I would go back to career to find a position. Each time I had difficulty to make a decision, anxiety and insomnia came back and found me. I spent one month to make decision and availed me nothing except a very dangerous drunk when I visited a classmate in Guangdong. My friends asked me what’s wrong with me, and I could not be able to explain to them my true feeling in heart, a feeling of giving up the past and transform myself for a new future, and a feeling of fear of uncertainty in the future.
If we have every piece of information, then the decision-making should not be so difficult and challenging. However, in our daily lives, you may meet many circumstances similar to mine: we don’t have “enough” information.
I gave me a deadline to make choice, and I was very lucky that I had ten days completely secluded to make such decision, in a Vipassana meditation center. The Vipassna meditation center is attached to a temple far away from a city in the boundary between China and North Korea, and in the first time in my life, I was separated from other people in this world, without any type of communication with others, no email, no phone calls, no verbal communication with roommate, not even eye contact with others in this center. In those ten days, I recalled everything that I could remember about my past life, and I identified who I am, what I may be good at, and what I am not fit for. In the last day of this meditation period, I made the preliminary decision: to go back to university and acquire the doctoral degree in psychology. I also made a personal plan for my next ten years.
The decision was made, but I was not so determined every moment when I thought of the future challenges. Maybe God just wanted to make sure his message was completed received by the man he whispered, I was told by my sister that a relative of us ended his life in the same day when I entered this meditation center. He was just 5 years elder than me, and we drank wine together 3 months ago when I came back my hometown. We did not keep regular communication in the past years, but every time I went back home, he found chance to talk with me. He wrote a letter to his family and left two daughters to his wife only. Nobody could definitely know the real reason why he made such choice, and it was highly suspected that he had serious depression.
I wept in the moment when I got this message. That was the day when were “released” from the meditation center, and we were allowed to communicate with outer world. I was so shocked that in that same evening, I wrote clearly on my notebook that I decided to pursue a doctoral degree in psychology. I hoped in some years, I could be able to help those, particularly those who are close to me, to live happier, freer, and healthier.
At least, and the first, I should help myself.
Embarrassing GRE/TOEFL tests, a test for courage
Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds. Orison Swett Marden
As one general once said, every battle for human beings is basically a test for courage. I was born a timid boy, but, thanks to the sales experience in the past 10 years, I survived the mental test of GRE/TOEFL tests.
Decision was made and plan was generated, while challenges did not disappear. The test taking for GRE and TOEFL were the first challenge, and I prepared to retreat if the performance were poor. 15 years ago, when I was still a student, I had taken such tests, and they were test of English and diligence. Now, the test to my age was courage test. I need courage to go to test center.
The GRE test was taken in Suzhou University. I carefully inspected the test site one day before the test, just in case there was no emergency arising or I could get into the test center without special observation from other test takers or test administrators. To obtain a good test result sure was my first objective, but I am not a courageous man and I did care how others perceived me. For so old a person to get into the test center would be very weird, and the experience in the next day seemed an echo of my feeling.
The next day, when I arrived the test center, there was a notice to tell the test takers that the original test site was changed because of the small number of test takers registration that day. I had to rush to the new test site, and it was a long and twisting way. Upon arrival of the new test site, I noticed only a young girl behind a desk opposite to the door where I entered into. I was not sure this was the right place to take the test, so I asked the girl to confirm it.
The girl, later I found she was the test administrator, looked up at me for a moment, and replied back, “Are you test taker?” Her voice explicitly casted big doubt on my identity as a GRE test taker, and she stopped her work on hand and looked at me waiting for my answer.
My face might get flushed, but I reassured her, “Yes… I am a test taker!” My answer was delivered in a way that I felt I was uncertain of my own status that day.
“So…” she slowed down her speed and paused a moment, “please give me your ID card and let me confirm.”
The GRE test result was not so bad compared to other ordinary test takers, although not so good as what was expected. Then I had to move on for TOEFL test, a mandatory requirement for international applicants.
The preparation for TOEFL test went not so well, and the average score was around 90. I gave myself only one chance for this test, and if the score was very poor, I could not continue my application. The test was taken in Nanjing University.
Despite the embarrassing experience in GRE test, I was still not prepared for the TOEFL test when I arrived the testing center. The majority of the GRE test takers are undergraduates and graduates, age ranging from 20 to 25, while the majority of TOEFL test takers were high school students. Many parents came along with their children to take TOEFL test, and the gate to the test center was crowded and half encircled by such parents. Unfortunately, many parents were in similar age as me, and their hair was still black. My hair was grey, and many basketball players called me “old uncle” in the field. Now, this old uncle must be here to attend his boy/girl for TOEFL test.
I dared not to enter the test center, and I even thought of quitting the test to avoid of the embarrassing situation. My feet did not move me back to hotel, but brought me to an area where the parents were resting. I felt better in the parent resting area, but I rejected the greetings from other parents. How could I tell him if he asked the situation of my boy/daughter? I could not face their surprise by telling them the truth that I was the test taker.
Every several minutes, I turned my head from the mobile phone to check whether the gathered crowd had been dismissed, and I felt the internal fighting on whether I should go into the test center. I felt uncomfortable, but there was a voice telling me to remain still there, just focusing on mobile phone, and think of nothing else.
Until 8:28 AM, two minutes left before the deadline for test takers to get admitted, most of the parents had moved away from the gate of the test center. I rushed directly to the test administrator and told him with firm eye contact, “Teacher, I come here to attend the TOEFL test.” He took a look at me and allowed me to sign up and get in without questioning.
I was the last one entering the test center, together with many other kids. However, it looked like nobody was so curious about me and they had to focus on their own objective to achieve a good test score. I waited in line for around 15 minutes before I was designated a test desk, and that waiting time to me was around one century. I tried to calm down myself and behave quietly, like other kids. However, something still went wrong, and here is one.
Before the formal test, we had to test the microphone, which would be used in the speaking section. I tried several time but all test results showed it did not work, until one test administrator came to my desk and told me, “Hi, can you please speak a little bit louder? The microphone was tested this morning and it was in good condition, and we suspect it was because of your low volume that made your voice not heard by microphone.” I followed the suggestion of her, and passed the microphone test in next attempt. I felt I was so stupid at that moment!
During the test, what I wanted most was not to perform with my best efforts, but to finish the test as soon as possible. I did not feel that was the test of my English ability, but the test of my psychological bearability. With time going on, my feeling of the test became worse, particularly in speaking section. I could not even focus myself on speaking until it was ended. In the last section of writing, I finished the two writings with less than 30 minutes, and submitted the writing without carefully reviewing the content. I was the first to get out of the test center. When I left the test desk, I was even not sure I really had finished the steps to submit the test. I hurried up to the gate of the test center and took my stored items back, and then rushed into the street, where I was no longer an abnormal test taker. It was my first time I felt safe and liked to be nobody in crowded street. I behaved like a shoplifter.
After I finished the TOEFL test, I told myself, if the test result was not good enough, I might choose not to continue this game. However, when the result of TEOFL test came out, I was shocked! I had to admit once again that my way was planned, and HE knew what I was thinking.
Application, two months sleepless efforts
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. Josh Billings
Life seldom gives to us the way that we have planned, and it usually gives us a surprise. My surprise in this application was: it was not “easy”. I spent almost two months working in my reading room for application, without clear sense of the distinction of morning and evening.
When reflected back my way in the past one and half year, I always told my audience, if I had known the admission rate of the programs, I was not sure I still had the gut to leave IBM without any solid plan in hand. In some cases, ignorance may not be bad, and it was that ignorance of the admission competitiveness of psychology doctoral programs that helped me to move to the final step.
My initial plan was to randomly pick up ten programs to apply, but this was completely changed after two week’s investigation on the programs that matched my interest. When I started reading the brochure of the programs, I was surprised by the low probability of getting admitted and the direct discouragements the professors gave to me to answer my enquiries. I had to change the plan to find more programs, which did not discourage/reject me directly, to increase the total probability of admission.
That was not easy. Finally I sent out around 600 enquiry emails to almost 150 programs. It cost me more than three weeks, and the investigation was still going on in the final minutes before I submitted the applications. A larger portion of the enquiries went like a small drop of water flowing into a big ocean. In the around 200 responses I received, more than half explicitly discouraged my application on the ground that I lacked the necessary background in psychology education or research. However, I did received around 10 encouraging feedbacks from professors who were impressed by my motivation to make a change at this age and encouraged me to submit an application. I assumed the non-discouraging feedback as positive feedback, just to meet my target to have a short list of 20 candidate programs. There was so much work to do, to the point, that in two emails, I even misspelled the names of the professors. I did not change the name when I copied the emails to other professors. This was embarrassing and I had to joke to myself.
Sometime I felt very good, when I received a positive feedback from one professor who did not know me well but who thought I was a good candidate. Although their encouragement was not grounded by real evidence or critical judgment, and they may responded just by courtesy, however, their feedback to me was like a floating wooden rod in the river grasped by a drowning swimmer, and I had to hold it tightly and even changed my program candidate list, to assume that I might be favored by the programs in which the professors were working.
Finally I submitted 28 applications, and spent 50 sleepless days only on one single task. Every morning, I got up around 6 clock, started working from around 7:00 AM, and continued the work after sending my boy to preschool, until 4:00 PM when it was time to receive my boy back from school. Then it was time to play with boy and prepare for dinner. Around 9 PM, after my boy went to bed, then it was time to continue the work. The schedule was exactly the same for so many days that, until I finished the application, there were four deep holes in the mat covering the ground of the reading room.
Strenuous efforts brought me side effect, real physical headache (not heartacheJ) and sometime eye pain. Headache came along with me every week since Wednesday, and the way to relieve it was basketball. Every Wednesday, I tried to find time to play basketball in Biyun city, and every Saturday it was a routine to play basketball with friends in a university neighboring to my home. Basketball once rescued me from amnesia and anxiety in the past, and now it helped me to drive away headache. There were a lot of times that I felt so frustrated and really wanted to give up, particularly when discouraged by professors or thinking of the uncertainty of the future. However, like a machine, I was programmed to make progress and finish the job on time.
On the day, Nov 20th, all the applications had been submitted according to the plan. It was a milestone, and I told myself, “I have tried my best”, to make me feel better. In my inner heart, I felt I wanted to forget the application, and behaved like the application was irrelevant to me. When one of my friends warned me of the challenges ahead if I got admitted, I coldly responded, “Can it be tougher than this application?”
I gave me twenty-day vocation in Yunnan with friends, and then came back to receive the expected declines from universities.
Admitted and struggling decision-making
Hesitation increases in relation to risk in equal proportion to age -- Ernest Hemingway
If you believe the existence of GOD, HE never shuts off doors to hope, but opens one gate for you, through which maybe you can find your way.
The declines were not un-expectancies, but it still shocked me when it really came. The first was received in early January, and from that day on, every one or two days, there was another one came. In those twenty days, every morning, I checked mailbox after waking up. If there was an email in the inbox, it was certainly a decline letter from one university. The format of the decline letter were so similar that I once guess they were coming from the same hand. The opening was appreciation for my application, the second line told me the result, and then in second paragraph it tried to explain to me the reason why I was not selected (e.g. “not because you are not good enough, but we have so many good candidates”), and in the end, they gave me blessing to other applications.
After half of the applications have been turned down, the interview invitation from University of Kansas came in late Jan. The email was so outstanding that its title was capitalized with word “CONGRATULATION!” Although this was just interview invitation letter, rather than admission letter, I was so excited that I went out with a friend to have a drink that very night. However, in early Feb, when I was told by Arizona State University that I was directly admitted to master program, I was not excited. Anxiety and insomnia came to be with me again.
Anxiety came from internal struggling and uncertainty of future anticipation. When reflecting back the past year, there was one very apparent internal struggle in my heart. In the inner heart, my subconscious mind told me: just move on, while in the conscious mind, particularly when there were frustrations or challenges, another voice arose and asked me to give up and stay in China to move on in the old life track. This time, there was no frustration but admission letter and interview invitation. However, when the possibility of admission increased from zero to almost reality, I had to think about the challenges, family income and expense, difficulties to settle my family down in US, and the long-time efforts in completing this program. Such thinking took away my good sleep for almost one complete month. Even in the eve of the Chinese New Year, after drank three bottles of beer and one big bottle of red wine, I could not calm myself down into dream.
Ironically, it was that sleepless night before the Chinese New Year, which finally helped me know one important personality of mine: hesitation of a perfectionist. I always want the best result from limited efforts in short time, and if there are multiple choices before me, I hope I can get the goodness of all choices. However, the truth in my life is, it never gave me the best of all, and sometimes it gave me the worst of worst. This time, it was something between best and worst, why not undertook these challenges? Why I was so greedy, wanting the best just by several months’ efforts?
If we know ourselves, things go much easier. In the next morning, I started preparation for KU interview, and I told myself, I would do my best to get admitted by KU. I also gave me the deadline to make final decision.
The interview of KU went not so well. After another sleepless nights of almost one week, the decline from KU was received. The same as that in stock market - the expected surprise is not actually a surprise - I had a very good sleep even I received the decline message at 2 AM in midnight.
However, a child weeping without cry is of real pain in heart. The calmness and good sleep disguised my feeling of the subconscious pain. I had no energy to speak in two days. The lunch in the next day with a friend was rescheduled one hour before the appointed time, when I realized I might spoil the meeting. The third day, when I had lunch with that friend, I could not articulate what I really wanted to say, and even felt dizzy momentarily. In that same night, I told myself to seriously analyze the situation and make decision by the end of March.
The initial calculation of the situation told me to stick to the initial plan even only admitted by master program, but it did not exceed other options significantly. I spent more time and effort on business activities, and hoped I could find one business attractive enough to retain me in China, rather than going to US to undertake so many challenges. With the approaching of the deadline to make final decision, the anxiety came to me more frequently. “Go or not go?” the fighting was so intense that I drank wine and beer almost everyday. It was a decision making between choice of easy and difficult, between yesterday and tomorrow, between unchanged and open to change, between greedy and peace.
Just several days before the deadline to make decision, I went to Nanjing to visit a friend, a software engineering teacher in one university. He was fascinated by my change in past years, and he asked me to give a speech to his students. Then, I presented my simple life story, from 20 to 40, to a class of 40 students. This was the first time I spoke on the platform of a university. I did not expect anything from this speech, but I was completed moved when these 40 pairs of eyes were fascinated by my story. I even did not want to stop when they applauded for my conclusion.
I really hope I can do something contributive to my friends, relatives, neighboring communities, and even mass ordinary people. I hope in one day, I can influence them to be positive for their lives, and to be responsible for themselves and communities. I hope I am not just a contributor by knowledge, but more importantly, by experience, my personal experience as one example. Maybe this is the meaning of my life.
Life is like hiking. When we tried to climb the top of the mountain, many hikers retreat because of the potential risks and challenges, or are stopped by the beauty of the current scene. It is very easy to be adapted to comfortableness, and forget our destination we may have aspired for so long a time.
That night in Nanjing, I wrote down on the notebook: GO!
The decision was made, but the challenges do not disappear.
Yesterday never comes back, but live for something today
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss
Now, I am in Arizona. Our family chose to settle down in Ahwatukee, a quiet place even compared to ASU and my boy’s elementary school is in 5-min walking distance. The weather here is so hot, and these days it reached to 47 degrees. However, when my wife and my boy have fallen asleep, I brought out a bottle of beer and go out to backyard to enjoy the moon with my telescope. The sky is so clear that we can see so many stars that in my memory only they could be seen in my childhood in remote countryside in Sichuan, China.
Sometime, when I recalled the life in past ten years, it was like enjoying the movies of others’ stories. We were so busy, for work, for presentation, for convincing our customers, and we had so fun and spent a lot of time with friends, for basketball, for drinking, and for singing and screaming in Karaoke entertainment places. I still remembered the days before I departing to US, we had so much drinking that I was drunk almost every day in the last week. I like drinking with friends, but it was my first time in life that I felt it was a pressure. However, I did enjoy it.
“Such days never come back”, I told myself with beer in hand. Life is one-way street, and there is no way to come back.
Last Friday, one Christian brother, who was the host of the bible reading group that evening, asked me a question, “Do you want revive or another life after your death?” I pondered it for a moment and responded,
“I don’t want revival or another life, because we will treasure our current life if we realized our time for this life is limited.”
People may have different interpretation for the meaning of their lives, if they have time and chance to think of it. I was very lucky that my program advisor, Richard Kinnier in ASU, has once written a book, “The meaning of lives.” The meaning of lives was interpreted by so many famous figures distinctively, and some even considered life is of no meaning. I read it, and I still have no certain answer.
Last Friday was the memorial day that I met my wife. It is ten years! Ten years ago, we made a brave decision to stay together. Now, we have Kristian, a boy, and we are going to have Sofia, our girl in three weeks. After the birth of Kristian, our relationship was changed. The night in our ten-year anniversary, after Kristian fell asleep, I gave Summie, my wife, a cup of red wine, to cheer for our ten years, and I found we both changed a lot, both physically and psychologically. However, the decision made ten years ago was still wise, “She is the girl I need.” She helped changed me and supported me to pursue my dream in childhood. I will live at least for her, for Kristian, and for Sofia, to make them healthier and happier.
Yesterday will never come back, but we should live for something today. That’s the anchor of our lives. At least, this is the meaning of my life.
Finally, I found a piece of it!
Why recall & anticipate?
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein
Last Thursday, I attended the first formal activities for ASU student, a one-day orientation for international graduates. Sitting among another one thousand young students from so many countries did not excite me, but arouse my sensitivity of my age and anxiety for future challenges. I held the hand of my wife and asked whether she would be with me in future classroom, because I had a feeling that I would feel bad to sit down with other students in twenties.
This is not a joke, but this is the reason why I finished this writing today. I need prepare myself for the real challenges, and keep something here as a reminder, to remind me in difficult times in the future, from where and how I came here.
The last two months in US, we have met so many challenges, to purchase a car, to rent a good house, to get authorization of credit card, to purchase insurance for my wife and boy, to find hospital for my girl for delivery, and to cope with the stress experienced by my wife and boy.
I still remembered, the second day, when I took my wife and my boy to visit ASU. It was so desert a place and so hot that my wife asked to go back China. We had a quarrel, and to my surprise, my boy came to us and settled down our quarrel, “Mom, Dad, don’t argue any more, and I like this place. I like desert and hotness.”
I still remembered, our house owner, after we signed contract and paid her rental of six months plus deposit of two months, she still came to me and asked for payment in advance for the 2nd half of the first rental year. She told me she still has concern about me because I had no credit record here, and she could not reach IBM to verify my employment record. I cried in heart, and even wanted to break the contract and go back China. Fortunately, my reasoning controlled my emotion and I compromised once more. Until today, I gained her trust, and worked like friends.
I still remember, in San Diego, an old man, in the age of 80, asked me, “What are you going to teach in ASU?” I joked to him, “I am going to teach Chinese massage in ASU.” I joked to him just to make things reasonable and funny, and I joked to many others in ASU to reduce my pressure to be with them.
In the mid of July, I tried to make SEVIS check-in in international student office of ASU. A very young Chinese girl received me. Her English was very proficient, but her cold face made me feel embarrassed even her question was so simple, “Are you scholar or student?” I answered back to her, “I am a student, not a scholar.” She questioned nothing inappropriately, but my feeling was so bad that I even wanted to find a place to hide myself in. I am so sensitive a person. Like many other Chinese, we care our face too much, and that care closes the door for us to explore a possible change.
I still remember, I felt no meaning in life, I argued with friends about the meaning of life, I went to US to explore something, I quitted from IBM without solid plan, I enrolled and studied in UoP, I meditated to find who I am in the temple, I played Iphone in the resting area with other parents whose children were taking TOEFL test, I was so frustrated by the declines from so many programs and professor, I was excited by the KU interview invitation, I made a speech to younger students…
I still remember everything from childhood to today, although I know such recalling sometimes give me much more pressure than propelling. However, remember should not be the purpose of recalling, and we should live for today and prepare for tomorrow.
“Life is not easy.” This is the word my house owner speaks most often. Now, I rented her words too, plus her house. Life is not easy in the past two month, in the past two years, and I can anticipate no easy life in next few years.
However, this is life!
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